Top Dog Out

I am trying to find the right sound while choosing the words. I am sorry if I sounded too harsh on him. I don't understand how he must be feeling... and will never be quite able to entirely fit into his shoes, so to speak. But I am making an effort. Let's just say that he does not want me into his life so soon after a long and committed relation, the kind he has had for the past years (I might argue that one needs exactly that , the right way, but I am not going to; this is something for him to ponder).

I thought I'd let you know I came out to my mother the other weekend when I was visiting my folks. This was part of a greater plan I had, and now I am confident that I am going to get this finished. My brother already knows, so as soon as my father will know about the real me I will be able to thick the "I am totally out" box in my little online forms :)

I do miss the cool times and feeling I had in all my Washington mornings, as well as in New York, when this stranger was lying on my pillow with the most flattering smile on his face. But the situation now makes me feel I have returned to my ordinary life that must go on. I have been thinking about this, and, among other things, I realized you somehow remind me of my father (well, not the way he is now, but anyway). This was quite troubling for me, but, hey! Lately I had to deal with troubling things, so just writing it forward makes me feel better for having the courage to admit it.

I don't know to what extent any of these lines make any sense to you, nor if you are indeed going to read them (probably you will). I, again, just wanted to let you know how I am feeling. (Huh, I am feeling a lot, or was the right verb hurt?!)

As for the letter, I did not sign "love, Top Dog" - it would’ve probably been true; but then he did sign so and it wasn't true then; now it is just an awkward situation where words stop making sense and things just are.