It hurt. Just as I was getting ready to end the day with a smile on my face, an sms showed me how cruelly plain stupid love is when it mingles adventure and sex. So I resumed my life, after that impossible moment when even the waiting has stopped. It is almost midnight again.
Stupid love doesn't know what he has caused. Stupid love does not understand. Stupid love is stupid. I want to shout and cry and hit him. "Go, fuck off, you slimy parasite, good for nothing, FUCK OFF and leave me alone!". Stupid love looks at me, like a little adorable puppy: "What have I done? You told me to tell you..." Now, this makes me even more mad. "I told you to tell me WHEN I tell you to tell me", I shout. I imagine I hit stupid love. Smack. Smack-smack! the sound sound of a well aimed aller-retur slap. I scratch the white cheeks of adorable little stupid love. He hits me back in defense. I laugh "I don't care". Love beats me! I beat love. It is a mess. Stupid love cannot stand being beaten, it reminds him of his abusive father I have nothing to do with. I realize I want love to suffer. So I go to drown myself in the hot tub. I'll be using plenty of Bodyshop. At least I will be squeaky clean. At the other end of the sms stupid love is drowning his in a couple of drinks.
What follows is reversed psychology week in reverse.
I tried playing Travis. It sounds great. I feel like crying. It feels like crying only without the tears. The tears won't come out, scared by that smile of mine "I have finished the damn glossary" and by that sms-caused semi-erection. Who am I to understand little stupid love? I cannot even understand myself.
Sunday: slept all day, did some Internet, didn't do my gig. Hence no extra-money. I have rewarded myself going out to see the performance of a friend. Musicians who play instruments just to exercise the noise that can make me want to step on their toes. My friend dances. I liked him. Came to terms with myself by teasing-torturing my two remote guys.
Saturday: work is crap especially when you have to put up with inconsiderate people. I am sure they will be taught a lesson, I am a believer in divine justice. Came to terms with myself by teasing-torturing my two remote guys.
Friday, forget, forgive. Exquisite has passworded her blog. There is no way I can ask her for a password. I am writing this, maybe she'll send me one.
Thursday: what a fucked up day! Only bad news and resentment. Everyone hated my guts, everyone wanted my skin on a stick. I cried over the phone. Twice. With tears, not with shouting. I was definitely to a cold and distant place: Ignorance-stupidity-stubbornness City. Not my place! but slept there nevertheless. Thank you, CB, for taking care of me sick and from a distance.
Wednesday, when it all started. When stupid love proved to be an ass. An asshole. When my advice was not taken, when I was not heard. When I finally said "I don't want you to return, go" when I was thinking "Come back, damn you! come back, don't leave, you stupid". Oh, by the way, I hate you for every single moment you made me suffer.
I am back. Back to square one. Reversed psychology cannot bring you forward, kids. You might want to try "Erase and rewind". Funny, I remember Bratislava and Prague, where I was also hurting so much (so long ago). That boy is nowhere for me now. How love blinds us only to have its way with us. I used to be so happy, I forgot how it is to hurt for real.
So that is my past week in a nutshell. I have a picture to go with that, but it's not with me: Vava hurting and being physically sick after such a beautiful dance. I promise to show you this picture.
Oh, and sometime during the past week I was honored. It's the little things that make my heart lighter. Where is it?